also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
