Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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