then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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