Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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