I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
