I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
