I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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