Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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