State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
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don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
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Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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