Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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