cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
