I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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