She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
