FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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