So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
