Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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