yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
