I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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