There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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