I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
