i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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