Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
