I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
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