Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
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