Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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