M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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