i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
