I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
