I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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