I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
