Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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