Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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