just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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