I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
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Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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