The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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