They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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