I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
