he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
