this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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