Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My liver just had a heart attack.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
