Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
