I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
