pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
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I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
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Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"