made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
