don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
