no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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