YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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