so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
What drink are we having for lunch?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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