I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
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He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
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Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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