tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize