since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
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