Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
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