Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
