In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Still dying that you shit outside
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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