dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
