Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Text me some of your sweat
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