There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
