There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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