my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
