I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
