Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
