my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize