I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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